i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
