I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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