hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
