I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
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Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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