I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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