connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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