I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
