He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
