The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
