def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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