Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
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Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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