checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
