I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
