can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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