Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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