ADVERTISEMENT

• (415): View more from California

  did we hook up?

  (925): View more from California

  no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

  Fav 30 1246 6707

  share tweet
  

• (980): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

  Fav 29 1174 5209

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (620): View more from Kansas

  Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

  Fav 42 10422 1804

  share tweet
  

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

  Fav 11 5902 2139

  share tweet
  
• 

  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

  Fav 2 2366 1184

  share tweet
  

• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

  Fav 10 3965 1459

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

  Fav 8 1100 644

  share tweet
  

• (614): View more from Ohio

  You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

  Fav 14 1805 962

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?

  Fav 3 536 912

  share tweet
  
• 

  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (817): View more from Texas

  I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.

  Fav 9 1392 677

  share tweet
  

• (845): View more from New York

  I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"

  Fav 2 732 716

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (323): View more from California

  All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza

  Fav 0 691 451

  share tweet
  

• (509): View more from Washington

  I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.

  Fav 10 855 428

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?

  Fav 0 33 7

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (416): View more from Toronto

  His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.

  Fav 0 42 2

  share tweet
  

Randomize