did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
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Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
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I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.