You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
