So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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