You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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