don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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