I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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