May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
did i walk over a car last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
