I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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