You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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