I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
