I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
did i walk over a car last night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
