Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
