Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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