I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
