I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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