One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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