I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
