i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
