I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
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Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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