I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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