I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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