She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
