I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
