theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize