all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
