I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize