Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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