There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
