matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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