so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
