You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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