closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
