He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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