ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
