I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
