New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
