i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
