Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
