Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
