By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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