omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
