do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
